Dealing With Homosexuality : Shahid Grewal

Dosto me Shahid aur ye meri story hai tabki jab me apne orientation ke bare me open hua tha mere doston ke samne….
13august 2007ko me Mumbai aaya tha engineer banana ke liye.Mujhe frnds banana bahot pasand tha isliye jaldi hi achhe dost ban gaye…Hamara ek group ban gaya 6girls and 5boys total 11… Bahot enjoy karte the hum,sath me ghumna,khelna,padhna,lectures bunk karna.Mere frnds meri life ban gaye the aisa kabhi laga hi nahi ki Mumbai me mera koi relative nahi hai.

Par wahi hua jo har group me hota hai,jhagda aur woh bhi ladki ko lekar..Hamara last year tha december 2010
Pratik mere group ka ek ladka woh Puja se pyar karne laga.Puja bhi hamare group me hi thi.Puja mujhe uska best frnd kehti thi aur apni sari bate share karti thi,woh bhi Pratik ko pyar karti thi par mere sath jyada time bitati thi bcz humdono ka ghar paas me hi tha.Bas isi wajah se clg me Hamare charche hona shuru hogaya aur Pratik bhi humdono pe shaq karne laga.Undono ke jhagde badhne lage.Puja mujhe best frnd manti thi to Pratik mera best frnd tha.Use meri wajah se badi taklif hoti,woh mujhse nafrat karne laga tha use lagta me Puja se pyar karta hu isliye me undono me janbujhkar jhagde lagata hu.Par me Gay hu ye baat mujhe 8th std me hi pata chal gayi thi isliye me nahi chahta thi ki meri wajah se dono ka relation tute.Maine pratik ko bahot samjhaya par woh kuch sunne ko tayar nahi tha isliye maine decide kiya ki me inko sab sach bata dunga so tht woh samajh jaye aur unki misundrstnding dur hokar sab thik hojaye.Maine socha ye 10mere best frnds hai fir inhe koi fark nahi padega mere sexual orientation se.Isliye maine ek din Pratik ko bata diya ki me Puja se pyar nahi karta kyunki me Gay hu,ye sunkar woh waha se uthke chala gaya aur usne pure group members ko msg karke bata diya even Puja too.Aur tabse meri life worst hogayi.

Mere doston ne mera sath chhod diya..koi mujhse nafrat karta,kisiko mujhe dekhke ghinn aati to koi has ke chala jata.Puja meri best frnd usne mujhse baat karna band kar diya,Kisi ladke ko galti se bhi touch hojata to woh gandi gandi baate bolte,ab mere sath koi tiffin share nahi karta tha,koi mere sath class me ek bench pe nahi baithta,bolte the ki tu to mujhpe try maara to…ye baate mujhe bahot hurt karti,unka behavior dard pohochata..par phir limit cross hogayi mere kuch so called best frnds mere paas aakar bole “Shahid ye gay kuch nahi hota tu confused hai…tum ek kaam kar” aur unhone mujhe solutions batana shuru kar diya,
1.tu psychologist ke pas ja bcz ye ek mental disorder hai.
2.tu mere sath bazaar me chal n ladki ke sath sex kar fir tujhe pata chal jayega ki tu gay nahi hai.
3.tu ye me gay hu sochna band kar de agar tu ye sab chhodke kisi ladki ko gf banayega tab hum tujhse dosti karenge otherwise not.

That was limit so maine unhe bataya ki gay matlab sirf sex nahi hota woh sari feelings hoti hai jo ek ladka ladki ke liye feel karta hai,ye koi disorder nahi jo medicine se thik hojaye,aur tum mere dost ho aur Gay meri identity hai me apni identity kaise chod sakta hu aur me tumhe bhi nahi chodna chahta isliye plz mujhe meri identity ke sath apnao….ye sunkar sab gusse se chale gaye.me disappoint hogaya ki 21st century ke Mumbai me rehne wale logon ki ye mentality? Weird tha…tabse unhone mujhse baat karna band kar diya..ab har jagah me akela tha,classrooms,canteen,library. Mere sirf gay hone ki wajah se mujhse meri sari khushiya chin gayi…Din gujre aur mera engg complete hogaya,last day of college par bhi kisine mujhse baat nahi ki aur sab chale gaye apni apni life me mano mujhe hamesha ke liye bhul gaye ho.
Aaj me akela hu, sabki bahot yaad aati hai bura lagta hai ki unhe meri kabhi yaad nahi aati,kya gay hona itni badi baat hai jo woh meri 4saaal ki frndship bhul gaye…Dard hota hai aur lagta hai ki ‘kaash unhone meri sachhai se jyada meri imandari dekhi hoti,mere sexual orientation se jyada mere nature aur behavior ko importance diya hota,mere sexual choice jyada mere dosti me believe kiya hota…’ Jiske liye maine apni identity reveil ki woh Pratik n Puja aaj ek happy couple hai aur shayad shadi bhi kar lenge,woh mujhe,mere sacrifies ko yaad nahi karte par me khush hu ki mera balidan vyarth nahi gaya…

Aaj maine sochke rakha hai agar koi mera dost banna chahta hai to use mujhe mere identity ke sath swikarna hoga aur yahi sochkar me fb pe aaya apni tanhaai ke sath aur yaha mujhe bahot khubsoorat dost mile isliye me fb ka shukragujar hu…Aur ab lagta hai agar hum hi apne identity se sharmate rahenge to log to use bura hi manenge kyunki hamari madat hame khud karni hai aur koi nahi aayega…jab hum apne aap pe proud feel karne lagenge tabhi log hume notice karne lagenge aur shayad ekdin hum ye jung jeet jayenge..
Aur lagta hai shayad ek din mere dost samajh jayenge ki straight aur gay ko banana wala ek hi hai to hum agar use nafrat nahi karte to gay se kyu kare….aur shayad ekdin Pratik aur Puja mujhe jarur call karenge apni shadi pe bulane ke liye……)))))))

Aaj me ek baat samajh gaya hu ki jo apne aap ki respect nahi karta uski duniya respect nahi karti…Isliye dosto jab apne aapko mirror me dekho to sharmindagi nahi garv karo gay hone pe… Kyunki hum bhi Insaan hai aur hame bhi respectfull life jine ka haq hai………

- Shahid Grewal