Monday, 7 October 2013
Thursday, 26 September 2013
Op-ed: Human Sexuality Is More Than Gay And Straight - by Pankrut Kapoor
R.J. Aguiar says labels are for mason jars, not people.
I’m in a gay relationship, and in a somewhat public one at that. Not only do all of my friends and family know about my boyfriend, but he and I also document our relationship online across multiple platforms. Thus, it’s only natural that I get asked questions on a pretty regular basis. It’s simply part of being out in a conservative state and across the Internet.
When it comes to these questions, they tend to follow a pretty regular pattern, and that’s fine. However, there’s one conversation I’m forced to have constantly, and it usually starts like this:
“So when did you first realize that you were gay?”
“Well, if you want to get technical, I’m bi … ”
“What? Really??”
“Yeah. I mean, I’m in a committed gay relationship, but I’m technically bisexual.”
The conversation can take off in a number of different directions from there. At worst, I’ll be forced to justify and explain why bisexuality even exists (and living in the South, that’s all too common). At best, I’ll launch into a more philosophical discussion about how we even define bisexuality in the first place. Is it marked by desire or action? Does it include just cisgender people, or is there some wiggle room? What’s to say that you’re not pansexual or omnisexual or… some other classification I have yet to come across? More often than not, the conversation will end the same way: “Call it what you want, but I’m currently in a committed, loving, happy relationship with another man. If anything, I’m Will-sexual” (Will is my boyfriend’s name, if you couldn’t already tell).
This is my experience. I’m bi — someone who is at least included in the most basic of LGBT acronyms. I can only imagine how exhausting it might be for someone who actually does identify as pansexual or polysexual or omnisexual or two-spirit… or anyone else who doesn’t fit perfectly into the gay/straight binary. Too often do I find myself resigning and simply identifying as gay, since it tends to be much easier than constantly having to explain myself. As an LGBT vlogger/blogger, I pretty regularly stumble across categories that I have to Google. I even sometimes jokingly refer to myself as part of the LGBT-EFGHIJKLMNOP movement.
It’s not that I mind including people in the group. Hell, I love the fact that the LGBT etc. community is one that literally anyone can join if they so desire. But too often do I get detailed emails from kids asking me how they should identify. Too often do I find myself scratching my head at what proper classification to use in a given situation. Too often do I hear self-identified gays whine about how “we’d already have our rights by now if we didn’t have to drag so many other people along with us.”
Let me pose this question: Exactly how does this adherence to labels benefit anyone? I realize that we sometimes have boxes that need to be checked and signs that need to be lettered, but at what point does the urge to delineate and classify do more harm than good? It’s bad enough having to discuss and debate precisely where to draw the lines for each category. After all, pretty much every self-identified gay man I’ve met has at least one woman whom they would theoretically sleep with.
So, do I have to actually sleep with someone who is trans or intersex to be considered “pansexual” (or “omnisexual” — I’m not sure if there’s a difference)? Or can I just be attracted to them in theory? Is recognizing their attractiveness enough? Or do I actually have to pop a boner? Do we draw the line just at physical attraction, or does romantic interest also enter into the equation? It’s exhausting, and this is coming from me, someone who considers himself a part of the “group.” Imagine how intimidating it must be for someone sitting on the outside. Or what about the young high schooler who is just discovering their sexuality but has yet to actually explore it physically?
We all know that human sexuality does not fit neatly into two categories, or three, or even five, apparently. Alfred Kinsey gave at least seven, and those categories were still based on the concept that gender is an established and defined binary (which we know it’s not). Again, even if we were to somehow manage to create a classification system that accurately spans the breadth of human sexuality, that still doesn’t solve the problem of how one determines their proper “label.”
I have a friend who identified as bisexual while in high school, since they experimented a tad with both genders. Then, later on, my friend determined that they were straight, and haven’t done any sort of same-sex experimentation since. Does the term “straight” still apply? Or is the same-sex threshold something you can never uncross?
Don’t get me wrong, wearing an LGBT label does have its benefits. It helps establish the collective identity and culture, and helps us be more organized and visible. Hell, the whole “coming out” process, one that’s seen as a crucial rite of passage among our ranks, is pretty much about picking the label that best suits you as a person and then putting it on display for all to see. But with that comes the flip side: One person’s badge of pride is another person’s target. Despite our best intentions, terms like “gay” and “lesbian” and so on can also become insults if slung with enough hatred behind them, thus adding more pressure and anxiety to those looking for a label to wear. How many times have we seen or heard about, for instance, a guy who regularly hooks up with other men but has trouble being labeled as “gay”?
Perhaps we should all borrow from our friends in the trans community. Specifically, how they represent the concept of gender. They teach us that “male” and “female” are not as much labels as they are polarities. Sure, most of the population tends to gravitate toward one direction or another (be it the same as your biological sex or not), but gender is still a spectrum. There’s male identity on one side, female on the other, and an infinite number of possibilities in between. Furthermore, every person, whether intending to or not, opts into this spectrum whether intentionally or not. And even if a person gravitates to one end of the spectrum, it doesn’t mean there aren’t aspects to their personality that are both masculine and feminine. I argue that we need to take a similar approach to sexuality. On the one side, we have “straight.” On the other, we have “gay.” In between are an infinite number of possibilities, and every person opts into this spectrum whether intentionally or not (even asexual people can still get attached). I’m reminded of one of my favorite quotes from the show 30 Rock. An older former broadcaster is walking through the halls at NBC, reminiscing about the old days when “if you wanted to do something private with another man, it wasn’t ‘gay.’ It was just two men who were just celebrating each other’s strength.”
Like I said, signs still need to be lettered, and rallies/parades/festivals still need to take place. That said, why not, instead of perpetually adding letters to our acronym, just get behind a single term that we can all wear proudly? “Queer” perhaps? I’ll leave it up to the powers-that-be to choose a term that satisfies everyone. This not only alleviates the headache of trying to classify something that, by nature, defies classification, but also creates the possibility of including even more people. If sexuality is something that we all participate in, then we can all embrace it and be proud of it. Hetero, homo, bi, tri, omni, pan, poly … we’re all sexual. We’re all human beings looking to connect with others on a physical and emotional level.
I realize that I sound like a hippie, but humor me nonetheless. I still go back to the same question: Exactly how does adherence to labels benefit anyone?
Sure, classifying things makes them easier to understand, and it’s a natural human tendency to want to simplify things to make them easier to comprehend. But is that a behavior that we want to encourage? We already place people into plenty of other boxes based on race, ethnicity, education, income, political affiliation (another example of a less than stable binary). We even create boxes based on our tastes in music and movies and so on (Team Edward or Team Jacob? Are you a Belieber? A Directioner? A Little Monster?). Do we really need to add another? As it stands, none of these labels, including those of sexuality and gender, come close to reflecting the deep complexity that is a human being.
Instead, I say we encourage people to just do as they please, and leave labels for the fashion designers and the spice rack.
R.J. AGUIAR is one half of the blogger couple behind NotAdamAndSteve.com. He and his partner also run a daily YouTube vlog at YouTube.com/shep689.
I’m in a gay relationship, and in a somewhat public one at that. Not only do all of my friends and family know about my boyfriend, but he and I also document our relationship online across multiple platforms. Thus, it’s only natural that I get asked questions on a pretty regular basis. It’s simply part of being out in a conservative state and across the Internet.
When it comes to these questions, they tend to follow a pretty regular pattern, and that’s fine. However, there’s one conversation I’m forced to have constantly, and it usually starts like this:
“So when did you first realize that you were gay?”
“Well, if you want to get technical, I’m bi … ”
“What? Really??”
“Yeah. I mean, I’m in a committed gay relationship, but I’m technically bisexual.”
The conversation can take off in a number of different directions from there. At worst, I’ll be forced to justify and explain why bisexuality even exists (and living in the South, that’s all too common). At best, I’ll launch into a more philosophical discussion about how we even define bisexuality in the first place. Is it marked by desire or action? Does it include just cisgender people, or is there some wiggle room? What’s to say that you’re not pansexual or omnisexual or… some other classification I have yet to come across? More often than not, the conversation will end the same way: “Call it what you want, but I’m currently in a committed, loving, happy relationship with another man. If anything, I’m Will-sexual” (Will is my boyfriend’s name, if you couldn’t already tell).This is my experience. I’m bi — someone who is at least included in the most basic of LGBT acronyms. I can only imagine how exhausting it might be for someone who actually does identify as pansexual or polysexual or omnisexual or two-spirit… or anyone else who doesn’t fit perfectly into the gay/straight binary. Too often do I find myself resigning and simply identifying as gay, since it tends to be much easier than constantly having to explain myself. As an LGBT vlogger/blogger, I pretty regularly stumble across categories that I have to Google. I even sometimes jokingly refer to myself as part of the LGBT-EFGHIJKLMNOP movement.
It’s not that I mind including people in the group. Hell, I love the fact that the LGBT etc. community is one that literally anyone can join if they so desire. But too often do I get detailed emails from kids asking me how they should identify. Too often do I find myself scratching my head at what proper classification to use in a given situation. Too often do I hear self-identified gays whine about how “we’d already have our rights by now if we didn’t have to drag so many other people along with us.”
Let me pose this question: Exactly how does this adherence to labels benefit anyone? I realize that we sometimes have boxes that need to be checked and signs that need to be lettered, but at what point does the urge to delineate and classify do more harm than good? It’s bad enough having to discuss and debate precisely where to draw the lines for each category. After all, pretty much every self-identified gay man I’ve met has at least one woman whom they would theoretically sleep with.
So, do I have to actually sleep with someone who is trans or intersex to be considered “pansexual” (or “omnisexual” — I’m not sure if there’s a difference)? Or can I just be attracted to them in theory? Is recognizing their attractiveness enough? Or do I actually have to pop a boner? Do we draw the line just at physical attraction, or does romantic interest also enter into the equation? It’s exhausting, and this is coming from me, someone who considers himself a part of the “group.” Imagine how intimidating it must be for someone sitting on the outside. Or what about the young high schooler who is just discovering their sexuality but has yet to actually explore it physically?
We all know that human sexuality does not fit neatly into two categories, or three, or even five, apparently. Alfred Kinsey gave at least seven, and those categories were still based on the concept that gender is an established and defined binary (which we know it’s not). Again, even if we were to somehow manage to create a classification system that accurately spans the breadth of human sexuality, that still doesn’t solve the problem of how one determines their proper “label.”
I have a friend who identified as bisexual while in high school, since they experimented a tad with both genders. Then, later on, my friend determined that they were straight, and haven’t done any sort of same-sex experimentation since. Does the term “straight” still apply? Or is the same-sex threshold something you can never uncross?
Don’t get me wrong, wearing an LGBT label does have its benefits. It helps establish the collective identity and culture, and helps us be more organized and visible. Hell, the whole “coming out” process, one that’s seen as a crucial rite of passage among our ranks, is pretty much about picking the label that best suits you as a person and then putting it on display for all to see. But with that comes the flip side: One person’s badge of pride is another person’s target. Despite our best intentions, terms like “gay” and “lesbian” and so on can also become insults if slung with enough hatred behind them, thus adding more pressure and anxiety to those looking for a label to wear. How many times have we seen or heard about, for instance, a guy who regularly hooks up with other men but has trouble being labeled as “gay”?
Perhaps we should all borrow from our friends in the trans community. Specifically, how they represent the concept of gender. They teach us that “male” and “female” are not as much labels as they are polarities. Sure, most of the population tends to gravitate toward one direction or another (be it the same as your biological sex or not), but gender is still a spectrum. There’s male identity on one side, female on the other, and an infinite number of possibilities in between. Furthermore, every person, whether intending to or not, opts into this spectrum whether intentionally or not. And even if a person gravitates to one end of the spectrum, it doesn’t mean there aren’t aspects to their personality that are both masculine and feminine. I argue that we need to take a similar approach to sexuality. On the one side, we have “straight.” On the other, we have “gay.” In between are an infinite number of possibilities, and every person opts into this spectrum whether intentionally or not (even asexual people can still get attached). I’m reminded of one of my favorite quotes from the show 30 Rock. An older former broadcaster is walking through the halls at NBC, reminiscing about the old days when “if you wanted to do something private with another man, it wasn’t ‘gay.’ It was just two men who were just celebrating each other’s strength.”
Like I said, signs still need to be lettered, and rallies/parades/festivals still need to take place. That said, why not, instead of perpetually adding letters to our acronym, just get behind a single term that we can all wear proudly? “Queer” perhaps? I’ll leave it up to the powers-that-be to choose a term that satisfies everyone. This not only alleviates the headache of trying to classify something that, by nature, defies classification, but also creates the possibility of including even more people. If sexuality is something that we all participate in, then we can all embrace it and be proud of it. Hetero, homo, bi, tri, omni, pan, poly … we’re all sexual. We’re all human beings looking to connect with others on a physical and emotional level.
I realize that I sound like a hippie, but humor me nonetheless. I still go back to the same question: Exactly how does adherence to labels benefit anyone?
Sure, classifying things makes them easier to understand, and it’s a natural human tendency to want to simplify things to make them easier to comprehend. But is that a behavior that we want to encourage? We already place people into plenty of other boxes based on race, ethnicity, education, income, political affiliation (another example of a less than stable binary). We even create boxes based on our tastes in music and movies and so on (Team Edward or Team Jacob? Are you a Belieber? A Directioner? A Little Monster?). Do we really need to add another? As it stands, none of these labels, including those of sexuality and gender, come close to reflecting the deep complexity that is a human being.
Instead, I say we encourage people to just do as they please, and leave labels for the fashion designers and the spice rack.
R.J. AGUIAR is one half of the blogger couple behind NotAdamAndSteve.com. He and his partner also run a daily YouTube vlog at YouTube.com/shep689.
Gay Teens Can Survive a Break Up! - By Pankrut Kapoor
Breaking up is rarely fun. Neither is figuring out what to do after a relationship is dead and buried. Do you cut your ex off completely? Try to stay friends? Hook-up from time to time? There's no one answer that works for everyone.
But for gay teens there is often an added complication: your ex might be one of the few people who you were out to or who supported you for being gay. Add that to the fact that you simply might not know a lot of GLBT teens, and the option to totally break off communication with an ex often becomes a tricky one. As a result of lot of gay teens stay friends with someone they used to date. But whether or not that's what you decide, you still need to deal with how you feel about the relationship ending.
Our Guide to Teen Advice offers these 7 tips to surviving a break-up:Be Nice To Yourself
Accept Your Single Status
Recognize and Release Your Feelings
Remember Your Ex's Flaws
Get a New Hobby
Don't Obsess About What Went Wrong
If possible, try to find someone you can talk to about what you are going to. If you aren't comfortable talking to a family member or friend, consider talking to a counselor. Another option is to reach out to other gay teens in the group WE4YOU. A lot of them have gone through break-ups of their own and can offer advice, not to mention commiseration.
Life without benefits for India’s gay couples - by Pankrut Kapoor
When Edith Windsor, an 83-year old New York resident, lost her partner Thea Spyer in 2009, she was slapped with a $363,000 tax bill. Despite being married in Canada — where same-sex marriage is legal — in 2007 after a 40-year relationship, the US government invoked the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) against Windsor.
Because of the 1996 law, which outlaws same-sex marriage, a hefty tax was levied on her late wife’s estate — a tax Windsor would not have had to pay had she been married to a man. Defiant, she took her case to the Supreme Court, where she argued last week that DOMA violates the US Constitution.
Same-sex couples in India can only dream of fighting for equal rights the way Windsor is doing. Benefits such as tax deductions, inheritance and pensions in case of the spouse’s death — all available to heterosexual couples under the law — are denied to gay unions.
Countries such as Belgium, Spain and the Netherlands grant such rights to all couples, gay or straight.
For Sridhar, 50, a Mumbai-based filmmaker who lives with his partner of 19 years, the lack of legal rights is a serious problem. “So many forces are already trying to pull a gay couple apart; if I can’t even share my income and assets with my partner, what does he do in a moment of crisis? This is one of the reasons why our relationships are so fragile,” he said.
Sridhar's issues find wider resonance in the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender) community. A 2012 study by the World Bank, Amaltas (a development consultancy), and the Humsafar Trust, a gay rights organisation, revealed that civil entitlements of “safe spaces, social security, property and inheritance” are the community's top priorities in India.
Senior advocate Anand Grover, who led the 2009 case for the repeal of Article 377, which criminalised homosexuality, feels there is a long way to go before gay couples can achieve legal equality. “In case there is no will, the ‘partner’ has no legal rights of inheritance,” he said. The list goes on: No claims on pension after the partner’s death, no tax deductions in case the partner is not working. “For instance, a working heterosexual partner can pay insurance premium, PPF or NSS on behalf of the spouse and children and get a deduction, but this doesn't apply to homosexual unions,” he added.
Attitudes take even longer to change than laws. Bullied at school for being 'different', Gautam Dhawan said he still faces discrimination. “My partner is not even regarded as a next of kin for health and medical decisions,” said the 36-year old interior designer, who has been in a relationship for a year.
Even the most basic services, such as opening a joint bank account, are almost impossible for same-sex couples. Highlighting the legal quagmires they face in the country, Ashok Row Kavi, writer-founder of Bombay Dost, India’s first gay magazine, said, “In case of inheritance, if a Muslim gay man dies, his will would not be respected and Muslim law gets primacy unless the partner had an affidavit declaring he is not a practicing Muslim and an apostate. It’s not better for Hindus – different castes have different laws.”
“India still a long way to go to recognise equal rights for women; equalising gay marriage is a far way off,” lamented Dhawan.
Because of the 1996 law, which outlaws same-sex marriage, a hefty tax was levied on her late wife’s estate — a tax Windsor would not have had to pay had she been married to a man. Defiant, she took her case to the Supreme Court, where she argued last week that DOMA violates the US Constitution.
Same-sex couples in India can only dream of fighting for equal rights the way Windsor is doing. Benefits such as tax deductions, inheritance and pensions in case of the spouse’s death — all available to heterosexual couples under the law — are denied to gay unions.
Countries such as Belgium, Spain and the Netherlands grant such rights to all couples, gay or straight.
For Sridhar, 50, a Mumbai-based filmmaker who lives with his partner of 19 years, the lack of legal rights is a serious problem. “So many forces are already trying to pull a gay couple apart; if I can’t even share my income and assets with my partner, what does he do in a moment of crisis? This is one of the reasons why our relationships are so fragile,” he said.
Sridhar's issues find wider resonance in the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender) community. A 2012 study by the World Bank, Amaltas (a development consultancy), and the Humsafar Trust, a gay rights organisation, revealed that civil entitlements of “safe spaces, social security, property and inheritance” are the community's top priorities in India.
Senior advocate Anand Grover, who led the 2009 case for the repeal of Article 377, which criminalised homosexuality, feels there is a long way to go before gay couples can achieve legal equality. “In case there is no will, the ‘partner’ has no legal rights of inheritance,” he said. The list goes on: No claims on pension after the partner’s death, no tax deductions in case the partner is not working. “For instance, a working heterosexual partner can pay insurance premium, PPF or NSS on behalf of the spouse and children and get a deduction, but this doesn't apply to homosexual unions,” he added.
Attitudes take even longer to change than laws. Bullied at school for being 'different', Gautam Dhawan said he still faces discrimination. “My partner is not even regarded as a next of kin for health and medical decisions,” said the 36-year old interior designer, who has been in a relationship for a year.
Even the most basic services, such as opening a joint bank account, are almost impossible for same-sex couples. Highlighting the legal quagmires they face in the country, Ashok Row Kavi, writer-founder of Bombay Dost, India’s first gay magazine, said, “In case of inheritance, if a Muslim gay man dies, his will would not be respected and Muslim law gets primacy unless the partner had an affidavit declaring he is not a practicing Muslim and an apostate. It’s not better for Hindus – different castes have different laws.”
“India still a long way to go to recognise equal rights for women; equalising gay marriage is a far way off,” lamented Dhawan.
How to Handle the Stress of Betrayal - by Pankrut Kapoor
[beh-tray] to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling; to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to
Steps
1. Take a moment to establish the facts: Sometimes, when your head is spinning and your heart is beating in your throat all you can do is feel a flood of emotion that blocks your every single sense besides a mix of confusion and some kind of negativity including pain. After you've had a moment (or a lot of moments) to circulate some fresh oxygen into your system (preferably outside) you need to sit down and establish the facts for yourself- not to share with anyone else, but just honestly with yourself. FACTS. not feelings.
2. Group the facts into groups: Happened, is happening, will happen.
3. Consider the first group: happened- past tense. Some people have the innate ability to shove that in the trash seeing as there is nothing they can do to change that. If you're not one of those people, then you need to sort out for yourself what that means for you and whether that meaning is important enough for you to hold on to in your precious small space called 'hope'.
4. Consider the second group: is happening- present tense. Think about what it is that will affect you directly (materialistically) and indirectly (emotionally). Now assess whether or not this is something you can control. If so, then this is where willpower comes in. If not, then you need to step back and look at yourself as a person independent of the situation to then impartially apply yourself to the solution.
5. Consider the last group: will happen- future tense. How long will you remember this, not factually, but soulfully? A week? A month? A year? A lifetime? Some things break our lives in the present and ruin our future yet disappear before they themselves can travel there with us. These things are not worth your time and have the ability to ruin you if you let them. If it is something that defines you for your lifetime, let it define you. Your choice is now HOW. Let it break you or fuel you?
Tips
Friends, family, someone you can trust are very good for helping you through this process
Stopping your life to conduct this process will hurt you even more than the betrayal, guaranteed
Steps
1. Take a moment to establish the facts: Sometimes, when your head is spinning and your heart is beating in your throat all you can do is feel a flood of emotion that blocks your every single sense besides a mix of confusion and some kind of negativity including pain. After you've had a moment (or a lot of moments) to circulate some fresh oxygen into your system (preferably outside) you need to sit down and establish the facts for yourself- not to share with anyone else, but just honestly with yourself. FACTS. not feelings.
2. Group the facts into groups: Happened, is happening, will happen.
3. Consider the first group: happened- past tense. Some people have the innate ability to shove that in the trash seeing as there is nothing they can do to change that. If you're not one of those people, then you need to sort out for yourself what that means for you and whether that meaning is important enough for you to hold on to in your precious small space called 'hope'.
4. Consider the second group: is happening- present tense. Think about what it is that will affect you directly (materialistically) and indirectly (emotionally). Now assess whether or not this is something you can control. If so, then this is where willpower comes in. If not, then you need to step back and look at yourself as a person independent of the situation to then impartially apply yourself to the solution.
5. Consider the last group: will happen- future tense. How long will you remember this, not factually, but soulfully? A week? A month? A year? A lifetime? Some things break our lives in the present and ruin our future yet disappear before they themselves can travel there with us. These things are not worth your time and have the ability to ruin you if you let them. If it is something that defines you for your lifetime, let it define you. Your choice is now HOW. Let it break you or fuel you?
Tips
Friends, family, someone you can trust are very good for helping you through this process
Stopping your life to conduct this process will hurt you even more than the betrayal, guaranteed
Survival Guide for Gay Long-Distance Relationships - By Pankrut Kapoor
It's summertime, and because the majority of the gay population doesn't have kids, we spend what would have been the diaper money on lavish vacations or spur-of-the-moment excursions. We hope that the palm trees, signature cocktails, and endless parades of hard bodies on the beach will fill the voids in our childless lives.
And it works. Hurrah!
However, with such trips comes the chance (or hope) that you'll meet a sun-kissed stranger who will knock you off your feet. After that dizzying first encounter, the two of you will stay up all night talking. You'll share romantic walks, hand in hand in the moonlit surf (until the scary meth addict on the beach starts chasing you). You'll get a glimpse into one another's lives, loves, and hopes. Then, all too quickly, it's time to head to the airport. The holiday romance comes to an abrupt end. It's utter torture. "Why does he have to live in another city/state/country? God, Mom, it's so unfair!"
You savor the last night of passion together, stress over the long, drawn-out farewell, and force a solitary tear from your eye just to prove to him that, dammit, this really meant something! Then, at the last moment, you have an epiphany! "Maybe we can make this work! Maybe we can have a long-distance relationship that lasts until our separate lives collide and we can live in eternal bliss, together." If you have made it this far, you're either riding high on endorphins or you might have actually found the one. Either way, here are a few tips to keeping it together long enough to find out:
Purchase cleaning wipes in bulk. Typing and Skyping with lubey fingers will only lead to damaged keys and smudged screens. You don't want to explain to the Geek Squad why your laptop keeps sliding out of their hands -- to say nothing of what can be found on your hard drive.
Don't analyze every photo of him on Facebook. That image of your new beau being led around on a leash at the leather festival in the gimp mask and ball gag might be entirely innocent.
Encourage him to send erotic photos of himself, and be sure to return the favor. Agree that all photos will be deleted after they have been used for their "purpose." Unless, that is, he is a member of GOProud, in which case, save them for later public humiliation. Consider these photos a bigger bus than the one he will eventually try to throw you under. (Sorry, I have issues with these people.)
Keep in mind that geographical separation is often accompanied by differences in time. Failure to consider this may result in unanticipated bitchiness. No one wants a call at 5 a.m. asking, "Whatcha doin'?" in a cutesy voice. It disturbs dreams of shagging Jason Stackhouse then stealing his shirts and will only lead to arguments later.
Never text when drunk, as autocorrect and predictive text can be a hazard. One inconvenient correction can be dismissed as a mistake, but sequential messages of "Bash your hard coal on my face," and "I can't wait to ride your coal again" don't make sense, at best, and at worst, they make it look like you have some sort of fetish for Welsh miners.
Choose a tune that you consider "your song" to serve as a musical reminder of your love. Then immediately play it to death until the words lose all meaning. In 10 years, if all goes well, it could be your wedding song. But in the unfortunate event that the relationship has ended, when it comes over the speakers in Nordstrom, you can drop to the floor in dramatic fashion and weep about the one who got away. Then wait for the discounts from the empathetic sales staff.
Don't get too irate when you can't reach him. I know it's hard not to assume the very worst when there has been no contact for more than 10 whole minutes, but chances are he's busy. Or maybe he's just at the park having a delightful picnic with an anchorman's boyfriend. (I love you, Andy! Call me.)
Don't let your single friends' opinions drive you into thinking this won't work. They will crucify you for not being available to go cruising with them. If they can't find love, happiness, and companionship with a headless torso 236-plus feet away, who the hell are they to judge you?
The one who travels to the other should have first pick of position. It's only polite and really should be universally observed gay etiquette.
Value the precious times you get to spend visiting the city he calls home. If you run into one of his ex-boyfriends while you're out, remain calm, polite, and friendly. Resist the urge to scream, "He told me all about that thing you like to do, and I think you're a freak!" You also won't make yourself look good by pointing and calling anyone "Jack Nasty!"
Most importantly, despite all the challenges, your long-distance romance will work if you want it to work. And if it doesn't, well, you haven't worked hard enough at it, and you're destined to be alone for the rest of your life. Never mind, eh? Remember, you soon will have a trip to Fire Island, Rehoboth, Provincetown, Sitges, Puerto Vallarta, Brighton, or an Atlantis cruise where you can find yet another man of your dreams.
I am sure that this works just as well for lesbians. Just throw in the words "marriage" or "flannel" every once in a while until it suits your needs.
Hopefully these tips will come in handy for some of you on vacation this summer. Enjoy!
And it works. Hurrah!
You savor the last night of passion together, stress over the long, drawn-out farewell, and force a solitary tear from your eye just to prove to him that, dammit, this really meant something! Then, at the last moment, you have an epiphany! "Maybe we can make this work! Maybe we can have a long-distance relationship that lasts until our separate lives collide and we can live in eternal bliss, together." If you have made it this far, you're either riding high on endorphins or you might have actually found the one. Either way, here are a few tips to keeping it together long enough to find out:
Purchase cleaning wipes in bulk. Typing and Skyping with lubey fingers will only lead to damaged keys and smudged screens. You don't want to explain to the Geek Squad why your laptop keeps sliding out of their hands -- to say nothing of what can be found on your hard drive.
Don't analyze every photo of him on Facebook. That image of your new beau being led around on a leash at the leather festival in the gimp mask and ball gag might be entirely innocent.
Encourage him to send erotic photos of himself, and be sure to return the favor. Agree that all photos will be deleted after they have been used for their "purpose." Unless, that is, he is a member of GOProud, in which case, save them for later public humiliation. Consider these photos a bigger bus than the one he will eventually try to throw you under. (Sorry, I have issues with these people.)
Keep in mind that geographical separation is often accompanied by differences in time. Failure to consider this may result in unanticipated bitchiness. No one wants a call at 5 a.m. asking, "Whatcha doin'?" in a cutesy voice. It disturbs dreams of shagging Jason Stackhouse then stealing his shirts and will only lead to arguments later.
Never text when drunk, as autocorrect and predictive text can be a hazard. One inconvenient correction can be dismissed as a mistake, but sequential messages of "Bash your hard coal on my face," and "I can't wait to ride your coal again" don't make sense, at best, and at worst, they make it look like you have some sort of fetish for Welsh miners.
Choose a tune that you consider "your song" to serve as a musical reminder of your love. Then immediately play it to death until the words lose all meaning. In 10 years, if all goes well, it could be your wedding song. But in the unfortunate event that the relationship has ended, when it comes over the speakers in Nordstrom, you can drop to the floor in dramatic fashion and weep about the one who got away. Then wait for the discounts from the empathetic sales staff.
Don't get too irate when you can't reach him. I know it's hard not to assume the very worst when there has been no contact for more than 10 whole minutes, but chances are he's busy. Or maybe he's just at the park having a delightful picnic with an anchorman's boyfriend. (I love you, Andy! Call me.)
Don't let your single friends' opinions drive you into thinking this won't work. They will crucify you for not being available to go cruising with them. If they can't find love, happiness, and companionship with a headless torso 236-plus feet away, who the hell are they to judge you?
The one who travels to the other should have first pick of position. It's only polite and really should be universally observed gay etiquette.
Value the precious times you get to spend visiting the city he calls home. If you run into one of his ex-boyfriends while you're out, remain calm, polite, and friendly. Resist the urge to scream, "He told me all about that thing you like to do, and I think you're a freak!" You also won't make yourself look good by pointing and calling anyone "Jack Nasty!"
Most importantly, despite all the challenges, your long-distance romance will work if you want it to work. And if it doesn't, well, you haven't worked hard enough at it, and you're destined to be alone for the rest of your life. Never mind, eh? Remember, you soon will have a trip to Fire Island, Rehoboth, Provincetown, Sitges, Puerto Vallarta, Brighton, or an Atlantis cruise where you can find yet another man of your dreams.
I am sure that this works just as well for lesbians. Just throw in the words "marriage" or "flannel" every once in a while until it suits your needs.
Hopefully these tips will come in handy for some of you on vacation this summer. Enjoy!
WHY ARE SO MANY BI GUYS IN THE CLOSET? by Pankrut Kapoor
A recent article in the L.A. Times tries to make sense of a Pew Research Center survey revealing that the majority of bisexuals remains closeted.In the survey, only 12% of bisexual men said that most or all of the important people in their lives knew about their sexual orientation, compared to 77% of gay men. Wow.
As for being out in the workplace, only 11% of bisexual people polled by Pew said that most of their closest coworkers knew about their sexual orientation, compared to 48% of gay men.
The Times learned that some closeted bisexuals had avoided coming out because they didn't want to deal with the misconceptions and stereotypes that bisexuals were, among other things, indecisive, confused, opportunistic, privileged, incapable of monogamy, or just going through a "bi now, gay later" phase.
Do you know any out bisexuals? Why do you think bi guys are so uncomfortable being out?
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