Forgiveness

 

 

Forgiveness is not so much an act as an attitude. As an act, forgiveness raises the forgiver above the forgiven; it empowers the one even as it disempowers the other. I know this isn’t the way we normally think about forgiveness, but explore this with me a bit. If you don’t like what I have to say, you can always stop reading.
The only way someone can hurt you is if you have given them power over you. When my nephew was a toddler and I refused him candy as we stood in the checkout line at our local market, he would often cry out, "I hate you. I hate you." While this might have been a bit embarrassing, it wasn't hurtful. He had no power over me, and his assessment of my character meant nothing to me. While you might argue that he should have apologized for his outburst, there is no need for me to forgive him for it. He just did what any three-year-old kid would do when forced to stand in an aisle stacked from his head to his toe with candy.

Now imagine a different scenario. You're standing with a friend who is under the misunderstanding that you have done her some harm. She too cries out, "I hate you, I hate you." Because you are innocent and because you know that she is misinformed you will most likely forgive her for her outburst, especially when she realizes her error and asks for your forgiveness. The difference here is that you have power over her. She was in the wrong, even if she didn't know it, and she may have hurt you with her anger. You bestow forgiveness upon her the way a governor may bestow a pardon on a criminal. Your friend humbles herself before you in asking for forgiveness, and you, with noblesse oblige, graciously grant her wish.

Forgiveness is yours to give, and in giving it you assert your superiority over the one forgiven.
Bear with me for a third scenario. Imagine you have hurt someone you love. He is angry with you, and his anger is making your life miserable. So you apologize, humbly and sincerely. Yet you expect something for this act of contrition. You expect to be forgiven. Your apology, no matter how sincere, is still a tactic. You want to be free from the guilt and the anxiety the other’s anger produces in you, and so you own up to your mistake and apologize. If forgiveness is forthcoming you are freed from the weight of your guilt and free to reengage with the other person as an equal.

But what happens if you ask for forgiveness and forgiveness is not forthcoming? You get angry. Now you are the one who feels slighted. Now you are the one owed an apology. Now you are the one who has been raised, at least in your own mind, to the moral high ground: you occupy the superior status of the wronged.
When we focus on forgiveness as an act it all too often becomes a tactic, and a manipulative one at that. But when we understand forgiveness as an attitude something else altogether happens.
I expect to be hurt. Not all the time and not by everyone, but often enough by those I love that it isn’t a shock—even when the cause of the hurt is a surprise. I expect to be hurt not because I think people are mean and hurtful, but because I know that people are most often victims of their own inner turmoil, and this turmoil just erupts now and again in ways that hurt me.
 

While I know there are people who set out to deliberately hurt others, I don’t think I personally know anyone like this. I have some troublesome acquaintances and even friends, but none of them are sociopaths or psychopaths. They are just people like me. Often we are caught up in the madness of our lives in such a way that now and again we do something hurtful — often and especially to those we love. Welcome to the major leagues.
Does this mean I don’t have to forgive them? On the contrary, it means that not forgiving them isn’t even an option. This is what I mean by forgiveness as an attitude. Forgiveness isn’t a tactic; it is your default level of engagement. You forgive because you know we are all trapped in our own madness over which we have no control. Not forgiving simply locks you into additional layers of suffering that have no beneficial results at all.
Am I saying that you should forgive everybody for everything they do? What about the person who mugs you or rapes you or murders your child? Are you supposed to forgive that person as well?

If I say, “yes,” I am talking theory, and you should reject my ideas out of hand. It would be absurd of me to dismiss your anger and your grief over tragedies of this magnitude, and I won’t do that. While it might be in your best interest to forgive even these evil people, I would not ask you to do so. There are no limits to forgiveness, but there are limits to forgiving. Follow your heart, not my philosophy.
If I say, “no,” then we have to decide when it is right to forgive and when it is wrong to forgive. But there is no way I can define this for you. You simply have to discover it for itself, and then have compassion on yourself when you do.
Could you forgive Charles Roberts, the man who shot up a one-room schoolhouse killing five Amish girls and wounding five others, if one of those girls was your daughter? Their Amish parents did. I can’t say what I would do. Knowing that Roberts was the victim of his own madness would help me move on without having to bury myself in hatred of the killer, but is that the same as forgiveness? Perhaps it is. But I am not going to tell you that you should or should not forgive Mr. Roberts. That is not my call to make. What I can say is that I will have compassion for you regardless of the choice you make.

But how many of us face this level of horror? So let’s consider a lesser tragedy. During my college life and my little stint with a NGO, I have interacted with some families of suicides. These family members are often very angry: with themselves — “I should have seen this coming, and never should have left him alone;” with each other — “How did you not see this coming? How could you have possibly left him alone?” and most of all, with the loved one who committed suicide — “Why didn’t he let us know how bad things were? Why didn’t he reach out to us for help? Why did he do this to us? He’s gone, but we have to live with this horror for the rest of our lives!”
All of this anger assumes a level of premeditation that most likely didn’t exist. If you could have seen how desperate a loved one was, you would have seen it and taken action regarding it. If the person suffering so much pain that her only outlet is death could have seen another way out, she would have taken it. Most of the hurts we experience are not meant for us. They are by-products of the suffering others are feeling. The truth is that most of the pain and suffering we feel isn’t directed at us at all.

I don’t think you can escape suffering, nor should you want to. Life is what it is: a blend of joy and sorrow, happiness and horror. Forgiveness won’t change that. But it can free you from dragging the sorrow into your moments of joy, and allowing the horror to corrode your moments of happiness, and that is no small thing at all. If we had more space here we would delve into the nature of self and you would see that you aren’t who you think you are, and when you stop thinking you are who you are not, forgiveness happens: no method, no steps, no willful thinking or feeling one way or another; just a freeing of Self from the confines of self and realizing that freedom from self manifests as forgiveness. But we don’t have space for all that. Just this:
Imagine you are out boating alone on a lake. A fog rolls in and you decide to row to shore for safety’s sake. 

As you do so, you notice another boat heading straight toward you. You assume the fog is blinding the occupants of the other boat to your presence, and you call out for them to turn aside lest they ram into you and perhaps capsize your boat. The others do not respond and their boat picks up speed as it homes in on you. You begin to panic. No matter which way you turn they seem intent on hitting you. You shout for them to look out, but they don’t, and you are hit hard. Anger bursts through you and you scream at the others, leaning into their boat to make your point all the more strong. It is then that you realize the other boat is empty. Wind and current, not malicious intent, drove the other boat into yours. What happens to your anger?

 

- by Rachit Agarwal

HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE ?

HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE ?

 

 
Every Relationship needs a solid foundation if it's to survive all that life can throw at it.

The say unless yo love yourself , it's hard for you to believe that anyone else will .As self -esteem is important for a healthy relationship.When you truly like yourself , in spite of any failings and weaknesses you may have , you are bound to feel confident .And when you feel secure within yourself , you can enjoy being your partner for the joy they bring to your life , not because you feel you need them around to survive .If you've had bad experiences in the past , it's worth working through these issues with a trusted friend or counsellor . It can be tempting to lean on your partner and rely on them for reassurance , but the stronger you are as an individual , the stronger and more equal your relationship will be . Filmaker Vikram Bhatt who was in relationship with actress Amisha Patel finds love a quizzical equation . He explains , "If at studies , you work you put in your hundred percent , you get promoted .If at studies , you work hard , you get a really good grade but in love when you totally immerse yourself , you tend to lose control ."
 

LOVE YOUR PARTNER
Healthy relationships happen between two people who really like each other .It may be more romantic to talk about love , but it's important to remember that love is an emotion that comes and goes .If you genuinely like each other , enjoy being together , agree with how each other thinks and behaves , and share the same dreams of life , then loving feelings will never be too far away .
Clinical psychologist Seema Hingorrany says that sometimes people realise the loving qualities of their partners after they have moved away from them.She often counsels people who want to get back with their old flames or partners . She says that it's little wonder that human beings tend to remember good qualities of their loved ones more than their negative traits unless of course an ugly incident had taken place and a separation occurred.She advises individuals to appreciate their partners and love them for their good qualities . Thus , it's important to tell your partner you like them , too. Warm words of encouragement and support build trust and respect .Add the odd compliment as well and you'll be helping to boost their self-esteem.
 

MAKE TIME
The importance of things can be measured by the amount of time we're willing to give them. When a couple first gets together , they instinctively prioritise their relationship.But as time goes by and life gets busier with work and family /children, time together often slips down the list of priorities.If you don't spend reqular quality time together , chances are you'll drift apart . Making such time for each other may mean sacrificing other activities , but remember it's an investment in your future happiness . Aroona Bhat, a celebrity PR consultant says , "I need to respect personal and professional priorities in my life .If I respect my meeting deadlines with clients , in the same manner , I need to respect my commitment towards friends and families as well. It's here that a good balance can really help and that keeps me happy and cheery ."
 

COMMUNICATE
Good communication is essential for a healthy relationship.It's the only way you can tell your partner who you are , what you want and why you behave the way you do . Talking is the way we let each other into our private worlds.
Communicating better is about learning to say openly and honestly exactly what you think and feel .It also means listening to your partner without judgement .
 

ARGUE WELL
It's important to accept that arguments are a normal part of relationship.We're all unique and so we're bound to hve our differences. Couples who argue well don't have to worry about not always agreeing . A good argument is an opportunity to share your feelings and strengthen your bond by reaching a decision you're both happy with .It can be an experience that leaves you both feeling more confident about your relationship and brings yo closer together.
 

TOUCH EVERY DAY
Touching is a vital human need .Studies have shown that without touching , many animals ----including humans ------will die in childhood . Being caressed also lowers blood pressure and releases natural opiates in the brain , as well as the chemical oxytocin , which is essential for human pair-bonding .
Touch has the power to comfort and support , to protect and encourage , to relax and , of course , to arouse .Every couple knows their sex life may have dry periods, but our need for physical affection never changes .
 

ACCEPT CHANGE
People change over the years and it's these changes that keep a relationship alive . Life changes too---and not always in ways that we want .
Change can provide opportunities for growth and intimacy , but it can also be painful.It may mean adjusting to a new way of thinking or a new way of life .It may also mean letting go of things that have been familiar and safe .In successful relationships , couples learn to adapt and change together . They accept that change is an inevitable part of human life and support each other , for better or for worse . Actor Upen Patel says < "When I love a woman , I give myself completely in the relationship . If for some reason , things do not work out , my lady would always remember that she has taken away a piece of me with her . I am very emotional person and love to me means trust to a great extent ."

 

 - by Pankrut Sethi 

Love & Sex

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND SEX

Probably most of you would have known about the topic and you might wonder why it is necessary to write about.   But, though the difference is very obvious and most of you would have known, I am writing this just to make guys to understand the priority of these two.

LOVE
The definition of LOVE can be the attraction of two hearts, two minds, two souls and two lovers.  LOVE is something related to heart and pertaining to emotional feeling rather than other filthy feelings.  LOVE is a silent expression communicating that you like the other guy.  LOVE not necessarily be expressive, or communicative, it may be silent, or can be enjoyed even from distance.  LOVE is something very beautiful and it is not supposed to be destroyed by any other unsolicited feelings or outburst of emotions.  LOVE is a confidential one and it has to be communicated only between the two hearts and it is not something public property where others can involve in.

I personally feel LOVE should be given priority over SEX.  The reason is LOVE has no selfishness, no hatred, no discrimination etc.  LOVE has a tremendous tolerance power.

SEX
On the other hand, SEX is a extreme stage of LOVE.  SEX is a physical attraction of the other guy. SEX is also beautiful but very dangerous when we consider from LOVE point of view.  Most of our guys would like to enjoy long term love and friendship.  SEX is something can be done only after two hearts mutually agreed to do so.  One point of view of SEX is, SEX is dangerous in the sense it might hamper the beautiful RELATIONSHIP, LOVE between two hearts.  The reason for this is many, but one reason probably the expectation, over ambitious, hormonal feeling of attraction towards the partner etc.

So SEX is something we need to think thousand times before indulging in.  So whatever comes through physical attraction may not long for long time. It is all for just for time being.  Whereas, the attraction is happening in hearts and minds, will certainly long for long time and gives you a sense of feeling over the other.  SEX has no tolerance power.

The main reason I pointed out here is that I was really distressed to note that many guys are being cheated by other guys after having their physical intimacy.  Physical intimacy at the earlier stage is always dangerous and it even goes to the extent of spoiling your concentration power, mind etc.

My advise to the guys, please do not get attracted by the beautiful words by the guys, just wait, chat with them, understand them, their feeling, their heart, mind then you decide.  I am not talking about all; I am talking about some that is all.  Practically, many guys looking only for sex which is not good for a guy who is sincerely looking for a partner or for a good friend. This is one of the main reasons the guys are being depressed or very sober in their mind and mood.

- by John Max