Can Gay Relationships Last?

A common opinion is that gay relationships are less permanent than straight ones... but do or should we aspire towards having committed lifelong relationships? Openly gay Singaporean man Otto Fong shares his views in response to a recent article on Time.com.
“Couples, gay or straight, are not statistics and are not subject to what the majority of their groups do in studies and analyses. They are people who deserve the support and encouragement to succeed in their relationships and to have the best possible chance at a long and healthy life together.” - Chris Shultz

I wrote this in response to a Time.com article “Are Gay Relationships Different?” by John Cloud. He wrote the article after his first relationship of over seven years ended.
This article prompted some discussion amongst my Facebook friends about gay relationships. A common opinion is that gay relationships are less permanent, and that straight relationships are often successfully anchored by children. In that article published by Time.com, Cloud mused that if he was in a straight relationship, he would “almost certainly have had children” and his relationship would still be intact.

A Facebook friend commented that “death or heartbreak, all relationships come to an end eventually." So, he concluded that the “length of time as a yardstick for measuring the quality of a relationship would be a poor yardstick indeed.”
It is offensive to assume that many straight couples could only rely on their children to make their relationships work. It is offensive to childless straight couples. It is offensive to gay couples who never adopted and yet stayed together for decades.
It is also terribly unfair that one would compare relationships that ended by heartbreak, to relationships that ended with the death of a partner.

“What is the difference?” one might ask. After all, all relationships end one way or another!
The difference is simple: in one relationship, the partners made a vow. In the others, no vow was made. This is not to denigrate shorter relationships. Even short relationships teach us valuable lessons – and sometimes these lessons better inform us to cherish the next one. But, in short-term relationships, there is no commitment. Let’s stay together if we’re happy and it works for both of us. Once it stops working for either of us, let’s split. There’s nothing wrong with that.
In a committed relationship, a vow to love, respect and cherish each other is one that ends with “till death do us part”. It is a vow not to be taken lightly. It means that a partner vows to stay with another through thick and thin, riches and rags, in health and in sickness. My vow is to be with my partner when he contributes to our relationship. And my vow stands even when he is no longer able to contribute in certain ways (physical disability, aging complications). As long as he wants me around, and as long as I am capable of making decisions, I will be with him.

It’s interesting to note that in the Time.com article, the author used his own relationship as an example of a gay relationship that did not work out. Other than citing statistics that supported his point of view, he mentioned no other gay relationships – not even the ones that worked. It’s like someone who’d just climbed a hill and wrote about climbing Everest – without consulting a single Everest mountaineer. Personally, I have several gay couples who are together for over a decade or two, and are still going strong. And I know of a couple from America, Neal and John, who’d been together for 30 years.

While it is true that many gay relationships do not work out, it is also true that gay relationships often lacked the community, familial and societal support that straight relationships take for granted.
Also, Chris Shultz, a friend of mine, noted, “It seems that same-sex relationships haven't enjoyed the social support and approval for long enough to draw meaningful comparisons between same-sex and different-sex relationships and their relative success rates.

By: Aruzu Khan (Kariaz)